Growing up, I had normal insecurities: friendships, school, grades, appearance, etc. I would say most of those lasted through college. Of course many more were added: graduation, career, money, finding a husband, etc. After I got married many insecurities went away, but they were quickly replaced with new ones: would I be a good wife, mother, could I keep a home, manage money, etc. Isn't it funny that the issue of insecurity can be such a stronghold on our lives?? Especially as women. Perhaps funny is not the right word to use. Sad? Frustrating? Angering? Perhaps for some, even devastating? Show me a woman who says they have never battled with insecurity, and I will advise you to steer clear of the bolt of lightening. We all have. What I love so much about this book is the impetus placed on the reader to hand over their insecurities to the One who can make us secure. Isn't that a great idea? Why is it so difficult?
This book is so good for me because lately, and so much so this past week, I have been struggling with INADEQUACY. It is a big, ugly word. I feel enveloped by it. I will spare you the mental list I made listing every area I feel inadequate in, but let me tell you, it reaches every area of my life. I look around at my house and I feel inadequate. I drive up to my winter-weather abused flower beds and feel inadequate. I talk with a friend who needs uplifting and feel inadequate. So much for sparing y'all the list, huh? I got carried away. Can I be honest? Of course I can, it is my blog. I feel like I am in such an awkward place in life right now. So awkward. At points, embarrassingly awkward. All pride aside, I am laying it out. Feel free to hit the x button on the top of the screen if I am making Y'ALL feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I feel like I should be in one "phase" of my life right now, and yet I am in a completely different one. I decided to make a career change, and you know where that leaves me?? Competing for jobs alongside recent college grads 6 years younger than me who chose this career upon entering school. Awkward. Inadequate. When I decided to make this career change I really had to chuck all pride out the door. I make it sound so easy, don't I? Can I confess something else? Two years ago I was feeling pretty good about myself, professionally. I had been with a great oil and gas company for almost a year, and was just told I would be getting a promotion. I had just been moved into a great office with a gorgeous view of downtown Houston AND the Galleria. I was being called into meetings with the CFO to discuss various matters. I was sitting pretty. Then I made a career move, chasing money, that completely changed my desires. I ended up with a company that killed my desire to be in business. During this time though, my security was placed in my professional accomplishments, aspirations, and the number of degrees I held at that moment. Oh did I take pride in those degrees. I'm embarrassed to say that I valued myself higher than those who did not possess the same degree. I even made sure some knew that I had the highest level in one company I worked for. Embarrassing. You want to know something about those degrees?? They mean absolutely nothing in the career I am entering, and I only think about them now because I am making monthly payments on the massive loans I took out to obtain them. Embarrassing. Inadequate.
So back to feeling inadequate. Because I haven't embarrassed myself enough. Looking back at who I was two years ago, and how I valued myself and others, I have every reason to feel inadequate. HOWEVER, how I valued myself and others WAS AND IS NOT how God values us. Praise the Lord! "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart!" (I Samuel 16:7) That is great news to me, how about to y'all? As Beth puts it in her book, I was relying on a false positive for my security. She says "acquiring your prominent false positive is like putting a finger in the crack of a bulging dam" (p.39). Now that it is gone, where is my security?
Mike and I were talking about this as I was sharing with him my struggles and feelings of inadequacy, and I finally asked him, "What do I do with this?". Sometimes where we are (and I am saying we because I am praying y'all can empathize with me a little bit!) in life is UNCOMFORTABLE...but I believe God has me where I need to be, because He is going to work in my heart! He is going to remove the strongholds of inadequacy and insecurity even if it means going through the painful tearing away of my pride and comfort. While He is working in me, I will praise Him for loving me and wanting me to live WITHOUT these strongholds. So as I sit here and try not to feel inadequate in my blog post...okay, that one was for fun, I am going to pray for everyone reading Beth's new book (and those who are going to go buy it now!), that they will be able to shed their insecurities, and run to the One who CAN and WILL make us secure in all the areas that matter!
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